Writing Journey: Discovering the Self
Writing, for me, is not just about expressing something; it's a way of getting closer to myself. This journey began for me during the pandemic.
Writing Journey: Discovering the Self
Writing, for me, is not just about expressing something; it's a way of getting closer to myself. This journey began for me during the pandemic.
It’s been five years since the pandemic. That period has left both positive and negative marks on all of us. In this piece, I won’t be talking about the illness, the fear of death, or the pain it caused. Instead, I’ll share the inner journey I went through during the lockdown days—and how, with the help of two clinical psychologists, Dr. Ramani Durvasula and Patrick Teahan, I discovered the reflective and healing power of writing.
I’ve been writing for as long as I can remember. For personal reasons, I prefer not to mention my profession here. The main reason is that I want to keep my identity as a writer separate from my professional work. I can say, however, that I also write technical texts as part of my job. From the journals I kept during adolescence to the unfinished essays and stories saved on my computer, writing has always been there. But I never published my stories, nor was I able to maintain a consistent blog. Simply put, my job consumed too much of my time to write regularly.
During the extended lockdown period of 2020, like many others, I worked from home. Since I no longer had to spend time commuting and was spending more time in front of my computer, I found myself watching a lot of YouTube videos in my spare moments. That’s when I came across Dr. Ramani’s videos.
Dr. Ramani is a clinical psychologist specializing in a personality disorder I had never heard of before. We often use the term “narcissist” in everyday conversations, sometimes carelessly. But for the first time, I truly learned what narcissistic personality disorder was—thanks to her. I also began to wonder whether some people I knew might actually have this condition. But what truly shook me was realizing that certain members of my own family displayed narcissistic traits.
I don’t intend to expose these family members here. I feel no need to do so. What I do want to share is how this realization set me on a personal journey. I learned from Dr. Ramani that having close family members with such disorders could result in deep childhood trauma. To understand what those traumas might be, I needed to look further. That’s when I came across Patrick Teahan’s videos. And so, I began to regularly follow the content of these two professionals, slowly starting to make sense of my own childhood wounds.
Patrick Teahan often assigns therapeutic writing exercises at the end of his videos. While completing these exercises, I realized that writing was not just a way for me to vent or feel relieved—it was a form of self-discovery, a tool for gaining awareness. I even noticed that a scene in one of my short stories reflected traces of my childhood trauma. I went back and revised that part to give it more depth, not just for myself but also for the reader.
Now, you might ask why I’m writing about this awareness five years later. One reason is that this journey is still ongoing. I can't say that I see myself as fully healed—maybe I never will. Perhaps all of life is a continuous attempt to understand ourselves. But there's another reason, too: my workload has recently decreased. I’ve shifted to a different work pattern, which has given me more time. That’s when I decided to return to writing. I began reviewing the drafts on my computer, transforming them into blog posts and short stories.
As I wrote, the urge to write grew stronger. Finishing one story draft sparked the idea for another. Even during the protests that followed İmamoğlu’s disqualification and arrest, new story ideas began to form in my mind. I'm working on them now.
Although the stories I’ve been developing in the context of these protests and our country’s political atmosphere don’t carry overtly political content, the characters that have emerged in my mind during this time tend to hold either oppositional or apolitical stances. I may share these stories one day through a publication; or perhaps I’ll publish them here as another post. But for now, I can say this much: none of the characters in these stories are entirely me, yet each one carries a reflection of who I am. From that perspective, perhaps it’s more accurate to say that writing isn’t so much a healing tool as it is a process of self-recognition.
And so, this became my first post on this platform. The name I use here is not my real name. But everything I’ve written is real—each word a piece of me. Why I feel the need for this kind of camouflage might be a topic for another essay. For now, I just want to thank Dr. Ramani and Patrick Teahan for their influence on my personal journey and for encouraging me—indirectly—to return to writing.
Before I go, I’d like to ask you a few questions: When did you first meet yourself? How do you express who you are? What’s something you could do endlessly without getting tired or bored?
You may wish to share your answers in the comments below; or simply reflect in your own time. Maybe you’d prefer just to reflect on them privately. I don’t know that. But I do know that writing this blog made me happy. I hope you find something that makes you feel the same.
For Those Interested:
Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a clinical psychologist best known for her work on narcissistic personality disorder, toxic relationships, and psychological trauma. In addition to her content on YouTube, you can learn more about her through her personal website: https://doctor-ramani.com
Patrick Teahan is a licensed clinical social worker specializing in childhood trauma and toxic family dynamics. Drawing from his own personal experiences, he creates content—particularly on YouTube—focused on inner child work, setting boundaries, and navigating toxic family systems. He also practices the "Reparenting the Rejected Parts" (RRP) model in therapeutic settings and supports healing through online communities. His website: https://www.patrickteahantherapy.com
This piece was originally written in Turkish and translated into English with the support of ChatGPT 4o.
This AI-generated cover image was created using ChatGPT 4o in response to the author's creative direction.